Complaints about schools are a growing issue for leaders. So how do you stay sane when people complain?
Find the pin
We come across many annoying people and some annoy us more than others. This is because how we manage our mind dictates the level of how insane complaints about our school can drive us.
Emile Chartier, known as Alain, a French Philosopher from the early 20th century, tried to help us deal with annoying people by coming up with a simple formula.
“Never say that people are evil, you just need to look for the pin.” Look for the source of the agony that is causing such behaviour from them. Move from anger to pity.
Turning foe to friend
One of my favourite children’s books is Alexander and the Dragon. In this book Alexander is scared of the dark and the dragon that lives under his bed.
One morning he approaches his dad with the dilemma and asks what he can do. His dad replies, “There are only two things that you can do with a dragon – fight it or make friends with it.”
Alexander decides to fight it with his plastic sword. But, after bashing it on the nose and the dragon’s ensuing ‘ouch’, he decides to make friends with it. The result of which: the dragon helps him with his dilemma of the dark.
Complaints about schools
It is much harder to get really cross with those that you know and have a relationship with. Our first step to sanity in dealing with complaints about school is building proactive relationships with those that have potential to complain; our staff, parents and community.
If you have notorious complainers, invite them in. Some complainers care passionately about the school; they just don’t always know how to express it well.
By listening to them and maybe even engaging them in helping, you can turn the dragon from foe to friend. They may even be able to help you reduce the opportunities for complaints about your school.
Manage the chimps
Steve Peters, in his book Chimp Paradox, outlines how we can manage our mind to deal with emotions that we feel.
He explains that each of us has a metaphorical ‘chimp’ that can get agitated and emotional when it feels under threat. This is our Amygdala, the emotional centre of the limbic part of the brain.
So, when you have an emotional complainer it is because their chimp is agitated. In turn, you have a chimp too that may well be agitated by their behaviour.
Steve Peters outlines two key things that helps calm them and you:
- Don’t dismiss the chimp – recognise the emotion
- Reassure the chimp - remind the chimp that you would like to help and remind them of times when it has been OK
Try saying this
“I’d really like to help you. I can see this situation is upsetting you.” Use these two sentences to start off your response. They will help to stop the complainer seeing you as a threat.
“I recognise this is emotional for me. But remember, in the past things have got better after dealing with a complainer.” Say these two sentences to yourself to help your inner chimp to calm down.
Plan for dealing with school complaints
There is a risk with complaints that we can feel like a victim. I have found three key things to do before, during and after a complaint that helps me to take back control and feel like a leader again.
Before
Firstly, decide the PARAMETERS. What is acceptable from a complainant? Set de-escalation phrases everyone uses.
Secondly, it’s about PERSPECTIVE. As a leader it is important that we create balance so that complaints don’t take too much perspective in our mind.
As hard as it is, try to ensure there is time for relationships. Look after yourself with a good balance of sleep, diet and exercise.
Take time to read and watch articles that develop your mental ability and time in the spiritual disciplines that inspire you.
Finally, be PROACTIVE. Work proactively with stakeholders to address issues and reduce the chance for complaints. Give the complainer less opportunity for a complaint about your school because you have already dealt with it.
During
TIME allows the logical brain to catch up, so try to give a little time – a cup of tea, a planned appointment the following day. These can allow the complainer to engage that part of the brain.
Secondly, LISTEN to them to understand them, not just to hold a conversation. Summarise what you think they are saying to check understanding. They will feel listened to and you will gain clarity.
Thirdly, play TAG. Dealing with complaints doesn’t have to be a solo sport, you can tag a teammate. If it’s affecting you, then consider either asking someone else to take over or rearranging for a time the following day.
After
After a complaint, you can sometimes feel exhausted, so firstly it is time to REPLENISH. Know what replenishes you and then spend time doing that.
Spend time with people who appreciate you and energise you. When you work in a school the youngest children can often offer replenishment.
Secondly, REVIEW it. Unpick what worked well and anything you would do differently. This allows you to regain control and see this as a process.
Thirdly, REMIND yourself that the poor behaviour is their chimp. It is about their inability to control their emotions.
Also, it is good to remind parents when you have dealt with complaints with a ‘you said, we did’ message. Where it is something that affects a number of people, highlighting your response in your next newsletter helps show your community focus and build your reputation.
Taking control
Staying sane when people complain about your school is about taking back control of your mind and the situation.
Proactively working on creating perspective in your life and working hard on reducing the opportunity for complaints helps you reduce the chance of frustration taking hold.
Tuning in to the complainer and your emotions allows you to remain in control.
After the complaint, reviewing your emotions allows you to choose how to respond. All of which helps you to keep it under control and improve the situation.
Colin Tapscott is director of Everyday Leader and author of Everyday People, Everyday Leaders.
